I'm so beat. It's like the life has been drained out of me. I woke up today at 5am to a flooding sensation and then went through hours of passing large clots and having awful pains. I still haven't passed any tissue though (argh!)

I was bleeding so much that in spite of using a cold pack and taking 1000mg of vitamin C there was no stemming the flow. I talked to my partner about how we would know if I needed to go to the hospital, it was pretty scary for a while. I took a shower around 8am (?) and it looks like that shower scene from the movie Psycho for a while. After a while longer sitting up with intense pains I started getting sleepy and so I went upstairs and fell asleep for several hours. When I awoke the bleeding was less. I sat on the couch all day and knitted.

This evening we went over to see my niece and nephew as they are going out of town for a couple of weeks. It was a good break from all the torment of the weekend but I'm absolutely wiped now.

I've got some proposals due for work that I can't get around so I'll just have to push on through and then make up with more rest and shorter days during the week.

It's been such a different experience this time around, I think last time was punctuated by needing an abortion (d&c) to get rid of the failed pregnancy while my hormones were still high and that was immensely difficult for my body to deal with. This time things waned and while I'm sad a bit it's much more okay, I can manage.

I didn't call my father for Father's Day though. Last year I called him on Father's Day to tell him that he was going to be a grandpa and then that was dashed a few weeks later. I was feeling so drained that I knew that I would have to say something of why (or at least I would want to) and I just couldn't bear to pass on that sadness today. Not on this same freaking holiday.

We've talked some about when we will try again. I'm feeling like August might be a good time, give my body a chance to recover hormonally. We'll see how it goes in the coming weeks.