Tough Week

I was having issues with stress this week. I'm not sure why, it wasn't like things had gotten particularly more stressful but more like my body just couldn't deal. I was completely unable to think after 3:30 pm on a couple of days at work and had to go home. I also woke up several times at during the week and couldn't go back to sleep. I even resorted to having a little red wine (the mildest sedative I could think of) at 5am one more as I was completely jacked on stress hormones.

Finally yesterday I couldn't deal anymore. I felt like crying and breaking down I was so done over -- even in the morning as I went to work. I was also soooooo impatient and minutes seemed like hours to me. Obviously not functioning at a normal level.

I decided that I had to do something but what? Acupuncture? Didn't seem to be what my body was asking for. A massage? But that's kind of a big ordeal and it was Friday morning at 11am and I had a client call in the afternoon. There is a spa on the next block over from our office and I went to their website and looked to see what they had on offer and they had a leg and foot massage that was only 30 minutes long. Perfect. I called and they did have an opening for 1pm which gave me time to get lunch, get my massage and calm down.

They did a little aromatherapy, gave me pregnancy tea to drink. There was another pregnant woman there in the lounge and we chatted briefly about clothing shopping mostly and our changing bodies. The massage was really helpful and relaxing. The woman used an exfoliating scrub and massaged it in well, then washed that off. Next came shea butter and my legs were wrapped in hot towels and then in dry towels and I was left to sit for a little while with my feet up on a foot stool. After 10 minutes she came back and unwrapped my legs and then rubbed them with massage oil. After that I could just sit for a few minutes and she gave me a heated pad for my neck and shoulders. I wished I could have stayed longer and they would have let me too but I had to get back to work. I was ready for a nap at that point.

I was much better off when I returned to work and wasn't quite so frazzled feeling. For $40 plus tip it was a huge help. I'm definately going to have to put frequent massage treatments on my agenda for the next months though.

Camping While Pregnant

I went twice this summer, first when I was 7w and just this past weekend at 16w. We did car camping, no hiking in 3 miles to a site with a backpack on. This time my partner carried just about all our gear down from the car but I helped to set up the tent and bedding and our camping chairs.

I think the biggest complaint I had was having to pee soooooo much. In July there were a lot of mosquitos and we were doing rustic camping so that wasn't fun. I stayed away from the DEET bug spray and found some that was safe for babies but it required a lot of reapplication. Thankfully there weren't many mosquitos this past weekend.

When I was 7w I was sooooo tired and wanted to nap but it was so hot in the tent. That made me feel worse. I still had to take naps this time, but thankfully it was a bit cooler, though still a bit on the hot side in the tent.

I have an air mattress (Thermarest) and this past weekend at 16w I found that it was uncomfortable sleeping on my side, though it's right around now that you aren't supposed to be sleeping on your back due to pressure on the vena cava and aorta. I woke up that way both mornings without any issues. I think if I was further along it might have been more of an issue -- or maybe I would just bring along more cushioning for the hip area.

The other thing I noticed was that bending over and moving things down low was causing me to have an achy belly.

Still, I had a great weekend and I'm glad I went. It was the last time before the baby comes, and I'm not sure about next summer though our friends were trying already to convince us to bring the baby next year. We shall see.

What's up

Camping was a lot of fun, still lot of peeing but the mosquitoes weren't bad and we had more girls there this time for a total of 8 campers and 2 dogs. Very relaxing and I'm glad I went.

The other girl I'm taking my French lessons with just found out she's pg as well. She's 7 weeks now and leaves on Jeudi (Thursday) for Paris for 10 days with her DH. She must be due in April/May I think. Now she says she knows how I felt when I was saying I had to eat now or I was going to die.

I've been feeling the baby for the past couple of weeks. First just a few stray gentle bumps (barely anything) but this week I am definately feeling it a lot, several times a day. It's kind of interesting. My fibroid is causing me to have an ache in the right side of my uterus, but not yet enough to want to take anything for it. I think I'm going to check with my OB and make sure that we are checking that out in a couple weeks at my u/s. Do you think 18.5 weeks is too early for the big one?

The Belly

Here's my first belly shot from 15w1d. I don't think the angle quite does me justice but it was the clearest out of the lot I took. I know I look positively average build but it's very odd for me to be growing this much and out of my clothing. My arm is covering up part of my butt where I think you might notice a bit more heft to my figure. Normally my stomach is a few inches in, not having it's furthest part in line with my boobs.

Growing

I've got to go do some more shopping right now (RIGHT NOW), the wardrobe pickings are becoming slimmer and slimmer. It might just be me though, as my goal is to de-emphasize the belly. I had to try on 3-4 outfits this morning and was almost stuck. I'm not ready to be outed yet. I don't think I want to be treated like a pregnant woman.

Its kinda weird having my uterus grow now but not have it be like the first time where it grew really fast due to the fibroid being in there as well. My belly is about as round as it was post myo now, and a bit bigger than when the fibroid was in there -- but since the pg is softer and and more fluid than that 9x11cm fibroid it isn't as uncomfortable. Still though, things are definately starting to pick up in the belly growth area. I don't really know how large Twyla (the new fibroid) is, I'm rather assuming she's grown some but modestly.

Feeling a little more real

Hearing the heartbeat the other day really helped make it feel more normal now, like if this subtle check of the heartbeat can happen so easily then the kid must be doing pretty well in there.

My partner and I were talking, it is pretty amazing when you consider that this pregnancy is happening after:

Vasectomy in 1994
Vas Reversal in 1998
Fibroid dx 2002
Miscarriage 2004
Fibroid surgery (myomectomy) 2004
Miscarriage 2005

And all without doing the whole Clomid/Follistim/IUI/IVF/ICSI plan that four REs laid out for us. When I see my online friends and acquantainces and all the things they have tried it does seem a bit odd that we just used acupuncture, herbs, supplements, lifestyle changes -- plus our surgeries -- to get this party going.

Yes it took a long time. Yes it was emotionally grueling. but somehow taking more aggressive action seemed like trying to force it and we didn't want that. When you factor in those basic statistics (which may or may not be accurate) that post vas reversal your chances of success are 50% and after a myomectomy they are also about 50% then which percentage was left for this kid to happen?

I always felt that somewhere in the statistics there was a place for me, and I tended to think that perhaps I was in the minority but that didn't mean that things couldn't happen for us. I know that we approached the entire situation differently than many others did, but we knew from the start of our relationship that our chances might be compromised due to the vasectomy. I think that same fact made my miscarriages harder to deal with -- how can you have success and no success at the same time. How can you feel like you have proved your fertilty and still walked away without a baby?

My parents returned home Thursday night. I was nice having them here and getting to talk and share the pregnancy with them. I'm not really able to do that with too many people, other than online yet. I'll save that for another post.

The sounds

pwish pwish pwish pwish pwish pwish pwish pwish pwish pwish pwish pwish bonk PWISH PWISH PWISH pwish pwish pwish PWISH PWISH PWISH bonk pwish pwish

Kinda like that when the doctor put the doppler to my belly at my OB appointment this afternoon. The heartbeat sounded fairly swishy and sometimes it would get louder and sometimes quieter, as the baby would move around. The bonks were when the baby was crashing into me I guess. My partner was fascinated, he concentrated so much on that sound. He's a musician outside of work, and so that was right up his alley. He said he would like to sample the sound, though of course he didn't bring a recorder.

When I showed up they showed me "the routine". I have to go check in, then pee in a cup and put a little test strip in to check for glucose and protein (mine were just about perfectly negative -- just a hair off in shade for protein). I then get weighed and I was pleased to see that I've only gained 2 pounds since my last appointment, so I'm up around 10 pounds total, but I'm not absolutely sure what my weight was pre-pregnancy as I don't have a scale.

The doppler is interesting, just a little battery operated dohickie. I just had to lay back and give my doc access to my lower belly. He saw my bikini scar from my myo for the first time. I didn't need to strip from the waist down or anything. The heartbeat came up right away. My doctor was suitably pleased; it's nice how keen he is on having this go well for us.

I got my ferritin checked as well, and should have those results in a few days I hope. My doc asked me if there was anything else I wanted to get checked while we were at it, but that was all that really needed checking.

My doc said he would show me where my uterus was and I assured him that I knew exactly where it was. I guess I got familiar with it, having that large fibroid in there. In case you are interested, this site, about halfway down the page, has a couple tables showing fibroid sizes in comparison to fruit and pregnant versus non-pregnant uterus sizes:
http://www.fibroiduae.com/fibro5.html

My next appointment is in a month and they will check fetal measurements during a more detailed ultrasound. After that I'll have a regular check up.

More about my shopping trip

I went shopping with my mother at a maternity shop on Saturday. I can't deal with shopping normally and maternity shopping I don't find all that fun. I work with a lot of guys and then there's our complicated history -- so its not like I'm dying to share the news. So while I'm there, looking for things that will help me out over the next couple of months at least, I ran into someone I know who had previously, quite adamantly told me she never wanted kids. She was 20 weeks along. She tried for a year and then got assistance she said -- probably clomid or something. I mentioned that I hadn't told anyone (outside of the people I told early on) and then elaborated that after 4 years of trying and two miscarriages (not to mention, which I didn't, the fibroid surgery and vasectomy reversal) it wasn't something that felt like an easy thing for me. I said it loud enough and I swear everyone in that boutique got quiet for a second and the clerk looked at me. Yes, I said the bad word in a maternity shop. Miscarriage. Miscarriage. Miscarriage. Miscarriage. Miscarriage. Miscarriage. Miscarriage. Miscarriage.

It still feels all unreal and tenuous for me. I know I have no control over it, I just have to go along for the ride. It's weird to think that there's something inside of me -- but then I have my next OB appt tomorrow and I worry that something won't be right. And then when I think about February and having to take care of the creature that comes from within me -- all the time(!) I think that maybe I had no business getting pg in the first place. Sigh.

Still Not Out

I still haven't told anyone at work about my pregnancy but I'm now 14 weeks. It's going to be hard to keep it from people much longer but I really don't feel like telling.

My mother is in town visiting me and she asked me when I was going to tell my staff and I said perhaps not at all. Can't they just figure it out on their own?

I feel like my emotional history with fertility is so loaded that people trivially saying "congratulations" to me is just so not even on the mark.

My mother and I went shopping today and got me a few more things to wear. I now have a new long sleeve tee, stretch corderoy with a demi band skirt, brown maternity dress and maternity black jacket that is suitable for work. The jacket has zipped up darts in the front that can be opened to provide more belly coverage later on. So add those to one pair of demi panel jeans from the gap and my bigger undies and it's a start of a new wardrobe that will keep me from going naked.

It's weird how I keep moving through my closet and eliminating things as they just don't fit any more. My favorite corderoy jean jacket that's all cropped and fitted can't be buttoned any longer -- mostly due to the new larger rack I'm carrying for instance. Another Ann Taylor top that I really like is now poised for the storage closet as the "girls" were busting out the other day. Either that or else I need to become less of a prude. At least my socks still fit.

Phlegm Again

I don't know that I've really mentioned it but for the past few weeks I've been having more and more problems with post-nasal drip. It's gotten so bad that I have been gagging in the mornings. It was getting progressively worse. While I might have had a touch of some slight illness last week that didn't help, this was something else. I knew that I needed to see my acu about it so I got in this morning for a treatment.

Evidently my spleen qi was depleted and that was letting the phlegm overwhelm. She did a lot of points on my legs to help dry things up, and amazingly within 20 minutes my sinuses weren't congested any longer. Phew. I hope it holds a while.

She asked me how I was doing with the blood building foods, evidently I'm still showing signs of blood deficiency (not unexpected though). I also asked her about foods that I should be eating or not, as with the pregnancy it is a little harder to be as rigid about some of the diet, especially when my body is so demanding of food and sometimes quite specific about what it wants. She said some dairy was okay, but definately not ice cream (oops). More corn, celery, melon, rye, turnip, scallions, kidney beans...

My acu today asked me if we thought we were going to have a boy or a girl and I replied that we definately were planning on having either a boy or a girl. My other acu had guessed based on my pulses that we were having a girl but today the acu who usually sees me checked and she said she was going to say boy. She said my kidney pulse was strong for female but everything else was boy.

My french teacher also thinks boy. My early sense of it, in the first couple of weeks after the BFP was boy. I guess we'll see eventually.

My next OB appointment is on Tuesday afternoon. My partner will be there as well. I love that he is so committed to participating in this with me. He says "it's mine too."

I find this point of pregnancy is a little quieter, less nausea, body more adjusted to symptoms on the whole. Yeah, I don't fit into a lot of my clothes but if I sit still I can still pretend that it's just regular-old me that isn't pregnant right now. I kinda like that. But man, when I look in the mirror I'm just amazed at my expanding figure. The boobs! The belly! The butt!! I don't think I've ever been quite this big in my lifetime.

Today is Saturday August 12th 2006.
You conceived on Saturday May 27th 2006
and your due date is Saturday February 17th 2007.

77 days have passed since the conception,
and you are 189 days before your due date.

You are 13 weeks into your pregnancy,
and you have 27 weeks to go.

You are in the 2nd trimester.

29% of your pregnancy has passed, there is 71% left to go.


From my pregnancy calendar on the AmazingPregnancy.com site.

My first maternity purchase

After my only pair of pants that fits quit on me yesterday I decided it was time to buy something. I stopped by The Gap in downtown Seattle on the way home from work, hoping no one would see me, and ducked into the maternity area. I was looking for some dark jeans and they had a couple options, not brilliant but enough. There was one pair that matched and fit like I wanted to, a demi panel bootleg pair with room for my belly and butt to grow if they want.

I also grabbed a few other things to try on, a skirt, a sweater, but those items made me look more pregnant -- something I'm still trying to downplay. They had this odd looking thing on the wall and it took me a while to figure out that it was to help envision how big your belly would be (beige, polyester with velcro, strap-on belly falsie that it was). I tried it out for a second with one top and promptly removed it as it freaked me out to look at that body shape. I don't want to think about getting that big!

I didn't feel as awkward as I might have thought, probably because necessity was really driving my shopping trip. I decided to hold off on buying anything else until my parents come to visit next week. That would be a good thing to do with my mom.

My sister dropped by last night and told me not to shop at Pea in the Pod -- she said the store name freaks her out. Ha! I'm thinking that checking out maternity consignment might be worthwhile, there's a place nearby.

Just came across this blog post from Chic Mommy which reveals the true extent of what motherhood can mean.

Shopping for Undies

So I had a client meeting in another city nearby this morning and when I got back downtown I realized that the underwear I had on was just not going to cut it -- or rather was totally cutting into my behind and I hate VPLs.

So I stopped by Macy's and bought new knickers and three new bras -- that fit me. Well actually the knickers are a size 8 which is a bit loose, but I started out a size 6 and that's basically a no go at this point. I had some 7s that fit well from when I had my abdominal surgery, and a few 8s that are loose as well. But really, I needed more so that I wasn't having to do laundry every 5 minutes.

Bizarrely I've already gone up a full band size. I was between a 32/34 and between a B/C but now I'm between a 34/36 (favoring 36) and about a C. I'm so excited about better fitting bras.

I'm rather pleased with myself, even if the increase in garment sizes is a little daunting.

My fever went away and gradually throughout the day Monday I felt better.

My uterus seems to be a bit higher now, about 1-1/2 inches above my pubic bone. I'm sure I'm measuring ahead height wise but I've got that fibroid in there too. I'm hoping Twyla will take a break now that we are approaching the next tri. There's a chance that her growth will slow down.

I went out for sushi last night and I was dying as I wanted to eat the usual. I did indulge in one piece of raw fish only, and a couple of sips of Sapporo (beer) and was quite contented. Otherwise everything I ate was either vegetarian (umejiso) or cooked (ebi). We went out for dessert afterwards, there were three of us, and each ordered one so we could all have a taste. I came home and ate an orange as I was still hungry.

that's funny, me at peace.

Someone online said I that seemed at peace. Rather I'm just trying to hold it together with all my work responsibilities, being short staffed and so tired all the time. I don't have enough energy to worry all that much to be honest -- but that seems a far cry from being at peace with things.

I've had a fever today and I was sooooooo tired this weekend. I'm not sure what it is but my body was really not happy about it. I'm so tired that I wonder if it is normal or not - I'm thinking not quite as if I was like this in the wild I surely would have died or been eaten by now. I keep asking myself how I could go through this again if we wanted more than one (hoping that this one makes it).

It's weird for me b/c ppl IRL that know want me to be happy and I'm just okay. (reminds me of The Smiths lyrics "and I'm not happy and I'm not sad. The dream has gone and the baby is real..."). My partner's mother asked him if I was less fearful. Um, hmmmm. It's like you can't even say anything b/c she so obviously doesn't understand what it is like to try so hard for so long and end up with death instead of life coming through you. Yes, things are happening now but nothing is a sure thing and those of us who have witnessed loss firsthand know that only too well now. My SIL was trying to be nice and ask about things last week and I don't really have anything to say other than how far along I am now. I know my parents are cautiously optimistic, hopeful but still cautious -- and they want a grandbaby so badly, at least I think they do.

Late First Trimester Symptoms

So, the symptoms have shifted over time and I thought I should post an update less anyone think that it's all the same throughout the first tri.

Around 9 weeks I slowly started feeling a little less nauseous -- only to have it swoop back in for a few good bouts. Still it was amazing to have those quieter moments. I didn't want to take my prenatals for a couple of weeks, not sure why my body wasn't into it. Now I'm being pretty good so I'm sure things are fine.

I have shifted my eating pattern pretty well -- I eat breakfast (fruit juice, toasted whole grain waffle with nut butter, fresh fruit); mid-morning snack if I need (fruit); lunch (sandwich quite often, sometimes eaten with a break in between to aid digestion when things were working slowly); afternoon snacks (ice cream, tortilla chips, soda, fruit); something as I'm heading home (fruit leather, fruit if avail.) and then dinner. I try to make sure I'm getting one good portion of protein a day, and including enough water. If I don't drink enough during the day then I make sure to hydrate a lot in the evening -- which does result in a lot of bathroom trips overnight but at least my body can do the cleansing it needs internally.

I haven't really gotten that much bigger, just a bit, from my first weeks. I guess I'm less bloated and a teeny bit more full. I'm up about 8 pounds from pre-pregnancy weight (I can't remember if I posted that yet). My breasts are a little less sore than they were, though my nipples are more sore -- at least it seems so to me. My breasts are definately bigger now, though thankfully no one seems to have noticed at the office. Skirts and dresses are working out a bit better for me as well and some pants I just can't wear to work.

My uterus has pushed a little above my pubis at this point, with the right side feeling achy from the fibroid growing in the wall -- it's familiar from the first pregnancy unfortunately. It doesn't bother me all the time, though a couple of weeks ago I felt it was aching more. I don't feel my uterus all the time, sometimes it's like nothing's going on at all. It's most present in the morning when my bladder is full -- or when I tried wearing my jeans to work yesterday and the waistband felt really uncomfortable down low on my belly.

I do have food cravings -- more like I'll see/hear/read about some food item and randomly my body will fixate on it. Right now I have an unfulfilled craving for meatballs and spaghetti, a cheeseburger and macaroni & cheese. I know that these things mostly won't make me feel great so I'm avoiding for now.

I am still tired. Tired, tired, tired. I mostly go to bed before 10:30 (sometimes as early as 8:30) but I wake up and I still feel tired. I pee usually two times before midnight, once in the middle of the night, once in the early morning and 1-2 times before work.

Sleeping, peeing and eating -- that's what I do these days. Surely there's some preparation for a kiddo in that pattern -- eh?

Thoughts on the First Trimester Screening

I have the option of doing this test if I want (all tests are optional really though) and I sort of always dreaded the thought of making a decision about it. Now, being here at almost 11 weeks, the decision is in front of me squarely -- and I find my instincts, my being, is telling me not to do it.

It's taken me four years to get this far -- which is why I'm now over 36. We've had two losses, early on, but both of them were drawn out over weeks, not to say months for the first one (July-October). I also had fibroid surgery -- and I've got a new fibroid growing.

I'll have a c-section either way, due to the fibroid surgery. I'm in a major city with an excellent hospital so it's not like labor is going to cause any complications. But none of that is my concern.

Having lived through my losses, I know the stress that waiting can bring when you already have the bad news. It's not something I want to bring on myself. It would be crushing for me, and I don't see any good that will come of it. I didn't ever due ART or hormones or anything, opting instead to find other means of healing my body enough to let it be able to carry (other than the needed surgery). I think even if I end up with a sick baby, I will feel more at peace with that than with knowing -- there's nothing to prepare for, what happens happen. I would rather let fate or God have a hand in it and just live with that outcome.

Come what may.

The Kid

The scan shows s/he's measuring 3.5 cm right now.

When the baby came up my partner's first reaction was "he looks just like me" LOL, what is he thinking. It's nice that he had such a strong sense of affiliation with his unborn.

The doc said that we're not out of the woods just yet, but that everything looks great.

Let's see what else, we met with a nurse first who gave us this booklet from the hospital and all these brochures to look at. Then she started asking questions and explaining things to us like we were going to have a baby. You have to imagine what it was like for us, as we were both sitting there thinking that maybe we would have a kid but then maybe the sky was about to fall again. In my head I was like "blah, blah, blah...yeah whatever if you want to pretend we are having a baby" It was very surreal as she just went on about this and that.

They asked about genetic defects and testing in several ways. I think we're going to do the first trimester screening where they look at a few measurements including primarily the nuchal translucency screening, plus some blood work to rule out big issues (hopefully). I've seen how women get online when they get results that put them in the possible range for an issue and it isn't pretty. That's my key hesitation. I'd have to do it in the next couple of weeks and they gave me all the codes to run it by my insurance company.

My doc started going on about appointment frequency and delivery and then I reminded him that I was a mandatory c-section -- unless of course he was feeling daring. He assured me that he was not. I gave him a copy of this article I read through an Ovusoft link this morning about a "natural c-section" and told him that I didn't know that I wanted to necessarily do something like that but perhaps he might find it interesting and we could discuss it later. We also brought up with the doc about how my partner didn't like being there for the d&c with the vacuum and not being on good drugs like I was -- he understood. At least this way we can address it as we get closer to delivery, about how we can make sure my partner is comfortable with the plan.

My next ob appt is in a month about. Sheesh, I would be in the second trimester then already.

Early Pregnancy Success Rates

Everyone online is always wondering when certain positives are linked with a reduction in the chance of pregnancy loss -- and a greater chance of having a baby. I've looked it up an found these references:

The loss rate after a normal scan was similar in symptomatic (10.6%) and asymptomatic patients (9.1%) and declined progressively with gestational age from 17.0% at 6 to 7.9 weeks to 4.3% at 12 to 13 weeks (P < 0.01, chi-squared).
From: Pregnancy outcome after a first trimester sonogram demonstrating fetal cardiac activity.

The pregnancy outcome of 347 patients with a confirmed, viable intrauterine pregnancy between 6.0 and 14.0 weeks, menstrual age, was determined. The miscarriage rate was 4.2% in a subgroup of patients without vaginal bleeding, as compared with 12.7% in a subgroup with bleeding
From: Fetal loss rate after ultrasonically documented cardiac activity between 6 and 14 weeks, menstrual age.

This one isn't an easy read, but it sort of looks like, in the absence of bleeding, the rate is around 4-5% chance of pregnancy failure after the detection of fetal heart activity. With bleeding it's a little more touch and go, with the miscarriage rates ranging from 11-16.5%.