The rest of my week

I've been taking a break from the fertility message boards this week. Lurking some as I'm still in transition form daily postings, but holding back. I have to say that it's been a good exercise and a very healthy change for me to make right now. I used to only check in on the weekends for a couple years, but after my first miscarriage I needed more support so I started posting and participating more. I've met lots of great women from all over the world and some that I've even met in person, and hopefully someday I'll meet even more.

So, since my post earlier in the week, the feeling of needing to cry continued building until Thursday afternoon after a particularly stressful situation with a client, I ended up bawling at my weekly acupuncture appointment. Sometimes a girl just has to have a good cry. I was worried about going back to work and looking like a mess but I had a meeting scheduled that I needed to get back for. I stopped by Sephora and checked myself out in the store mirrors to make sure I didn't look like hell -- not to bad actually, mostly just stuffed up and emotionally exhausted. After a slightly better day on Friday and dinner with my sister, I'm feeling less of a mess. Still I'm looking forward to a TTC break. That might mean that we don't avoid but heck if I'm going to try for anything -- well we'll see about that. But at least I'm able to shift gears, for that alone I'm pleased.

Your Birthdate: July 10

Independent and dominant, you tend to be the alpha dog in most situations. You're very confident, and hardly anything ever shakes you. Mundane tasks tend to drain you - you prefer to be making great plans. You are quite original. When people don't "get" you, it bothers you a lot. Your strength: Your ability to gain respect Your weakness: Caring too much what others think Your power color: Orange-red Your power symbol: Letter X Your power month: October

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Interesting...

Oh boy.

I walked to the Pike Place Market at lunch today, browsing among the vendors, buying my pineapple finally and some hazelnuts. At one booth I saw a table full of etched stones. When I stepped closer to see there was one stone that just grabbed my eye, it said "Everything happens for a reason". I almost lost it right then and there. Adjacent to it was a stone with a baby's footprint etched into it. I thought they might go well under my memorial forsythia in my backyard, but the longer I hovered the more I wanted to cry. Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

IUI and Clomid

I researched about IUI and Clomid a couple years ago, when we were thinking we might pursue that route. I'm sharing my best bookmarks on the subject, hopefully this will be helpful for you as well.

Intra-Uterine Insemination Links

A Beginner's Guide to IUI

Effectiveness of IUI Timing and Single versus Double IUI - INCIID

Frequently Asked Questions about Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) - FertilityPlus

Getting pregnant with IUI (Intrauterine Insemination)

Superovulation/IUI Statistical Success Rates

Patient Instructions for INTRAUTERINE INSEMINATION (IUI)

IUI Procedure

Artificial insemination for infertility - Intrauterine insemination - IUI

Clomid

Clomiphene - Infertility Physician

Fertility Drugs I: Clomiphene citrate - ivillage

Overview of Fertility Medications


Clomid Use and Abuse - INCIID

Human chorionic gonadotropin administration is associated with high pregnancy rates during ovarian stimulation and timed intercourse or intrauterine insemination

Folliculogenesis and ovulation

I learned from my reproductive endocrinology text that eggs are constantly moving from stasis into a maturation process. The lucky ones synch up correctly with the hormonal cycle and have a chance at ovulation. The other eggs are just reabsorbed.

Oocytes (unmatured eggs) are held in stasis by hormones, and the micro-environment of the follicle needs to move from testoterone-dominant to an estrogen-dominent in order to be considered for ovulation. Often women with PCOS or thyroid problems have issues with their hormones that might impair this process such as high levels of androgens.

It might be possible that prolonged development of the follicle might cause the egg not to mature as well as a tighter hormonal cycle but I haven't read anything to that effect -- mind you I haven't researched that specifically though.

So anyway, your ovaries are constantly maturing eggs regardless of your hormonal cycle. This might also explain why women can sometimes get pg at odd times in their cycle -- such as WWII wives who supposedly got pregnant when their husbands were on leave.

Here are some links to reference maturation of the oocyte:

FOLLICULOGENESIS AND OVULATION

Section 13: Female Reproductive System

During a woman's reproductive years, several follicles in the growing pool are recruited each cycle, and only one is usually selected for ovulation (see Fig. 234-4). It develops into a graafian (preovulatory) follicle, which can respond to the midcycle LH surge. The mechanism of selection is unknown.

The graafian follicle contains an antrum (fluid-filled cavity), created by proliferating granulosa cells, which secrete fluid and mucopolysaccharides. The increase in the follicle's size is due primarily to accumulation of follicular fluid under the control of FSH, which also induces the development of specific LH receptors on granulosa cells. LH receptors are responsible for the stimulation of progesterone secretion before ovulation and for continued production of progesterone in the luteal phase. The granulosa cells in the follicle also develop specific membrane receptors for prolactin, which decrease in number as the follicle matures; their physiologic role is unclear.
Merck Manual Chapter 234. Reproductive Endocrinology

Diagram of folliculogenesis

Controlling Uterine Bleeding

It's a topic that comes up in the course of many women's lives and it's hard to know what to do. Thanks to the cumulative advice and experience of the women of the uterinefibroids list though I've learned some simple things you can try at home to stem bleeding.

Lie down -- this reduces your blood pressure which will help to slow the bleeding.

Cold pack -- lie down and place an ice pack on your abdomen, wrapped in a towel of course. Don't have an ice pack? Try a bag of frozen veggies.

Take Tylenol or Ibuprofen -- take approximately 400 mg of an anti-inflammatory like Tylenol or Ibuprofen. Don't take aspirin as it thins the blood and won't have the same affect.

Vitamin C -- a natural anti-inflammatory that helps to constrict blood vessels.

This worked well (within 20 minutes after two hours of hemorrhaging) when I was having really bad flooding in Spring 2004 but I tried it during my second miscarriage and I'm not sure if it worked then -- that's sort of a different situation though.


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Here is good reference about NSAIDs and menstrual bleeding:

Nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs for heavy menstrual bleeding
(Cochrane Review)
Lethaby A, Augood C, Duckitt K

Von Willebrand's Disease can cause bleeding problems and isn't regularly diagnosed by docs.

Here's my post about types of bleeding and quantities, to help you understand what is problematic bleeding.

My back is a well of sadness. Go figure.

I've started back with chiropractic treatments on my back as my spine has been totally out of alignment -- two incidents with whiplash have left things a little less steady then they would have been otherwise. My first two treatments just pointed out how bad things have been and left me feeling a little better and a little unstable feeling in my back. Then on Monday this week he felt how there were all of these awful knots in the muscles of my upper back that were contributing to the alignment issues, pulling at my spine. He grabbed some sort of electric massage tool with multiple nodules on it and started working on that area -- it was painful at times but he did loosen things up a bit. He told me to go get some massage work done.

Tuesday I woke up and I felt normal enough but by the time I got to work I realized that in addition to feeling grouchy as anything that I was having an awful black, black mood. I cried off and on all day long, yelled at my partner when I got home and fell asleep with the assistance of a muscle relaxant to try to help take further edge off my back. There was no chance in hell of any BD even though I was within the stupid fertile window of my cycle.

I felt depressed the rest of the week, but not nearly as bad as Tuesday. At my acupuncture appointment on Thursday I mentioned about all the above and asked if it was possible that the body work I had done on Monday was a trigger. I have friends who are massage therapists in town and they have told me that people can store emotions and injuries in their body. One friend in particular did a lot of work on people who had been sexually abused as children and would try to help them work out these trapped emotions, she said it could be quite intense for both she and the patient.

My acupuncturist agreed that the two experiences for me were likely related and told me to not think about people who are having their second child. I talked to her a little bit about how tired I was of this TTC business stealing my time and attention and not producing results. She mentioned that the things that I have learned and shared along the way with others meant that it wasn't all in vain and that helping others to find their way along the infertility path was a good thing. Yeah well, that's true but it still doesn't remove the sting. She gave me a handout with information about how to take fresh pineapple to aid in implantation -- it's meant to help break down proteins in the endometrium that inhibit implantation. I'll buy the pineapple but since I've done it before on my own without any results I'm not feeling like it will do anything but I do like pineapple at least.

Infertility sucks....the life right out of you.

Why do I even bother?

This has been going on for so long, the charting, timed intercourse, researching, seeing various docs, and at the end of the game I'm not really sure I'm getting anywhere at all.

Frustrations...

All the people who have gotten pregnant, had babies, gotten pregnant again, had miscarriages and gotten pregnant again, done ART procedures and gotten pregnant and had babies.

Sadness...

All the people who had miscarriage after miscarriage, or are still waiting to conceive again after a loss, sometimes a very hard-earned loss. And also all the gals I know who have had myomectomies after dealing with infertility and pregnancy loss and now are still waiting.

Saturday will be one year since my fibroid surgery. It's been a long year.

At seven weeks?

Yesterday I was at a board retreat for this non-profit I work with. I'd sorta been out of the loop for a few months, I was involved in a big fundraiser (I found out I was pregnant again the week of the event) and then had to deal with my miscarriage and subsequent grief and anemia. I needed space. I could tell some people were wondering what was up with me so when one person asked me how I'd been I just said, "I had another miscarriage, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and I just had bronchitis" -- nice way to throw them off-guard. That really got them off my back quickly. Some people said sorry, others just said "oh."

Later on during the day another gal, who just got married in August, announced that she was 7 weeks pg. It just stopped my heart for a second. I hate hearing about ppls pregnancies now. I had to force myself to take deep breaths.

Why'd she have to tell everyone at 7 weeks? They say don't tell until after the first tri. Personally, I don't even know when to tell and what to tell any more. I'm pg, I'm not pg, I've got a dead baby inside of me, I'm still pg but it's abnormal, I'm waiting for a d&c, I'm going through m/c labor, I'm recovering after hemorrhaging for hours in pain, etc. They don't really want to hear any of it.

I think I'm fighting a cold right now as well. Darn cold season anyway and my lame immune system.

More normal

AF's been a lot more normal this cycle though I'm still amazed at how much less bleeding I have since my fibroid was removed.

Then since my acu was so excited by my last two charts (38 & 39) I reflected on some of my previous symptoms that have improved starting from the beginning (3 1/2 years ago) when I had spotting when I ovulated, to liver qi stagnation jaggy temps (look how bad one tx from my naturopath made my temps), or my mid-LP temp slump. Based on that history, my latest charts are really wonderful signs of improvement.

This past LP I didn't have a big night sweat (sweat rolling off of me kind of sweat) until the night before AF started and my feet had been warmer up until a few days before AF was due when they got cold again.

My partner said he would go in to see them and get the herbs. I sure hope they work.

Who's not disappointed?

So AF arrived today, my yeast infection cleared up with one treatment (the one that kicked in two night ago with a raging itch and burn), and I'm feeling okay but tired.

At acu this morning my acu was disappointed that I wasn't pg, she was sure from looking at my charts that we were getting closer. So we talked about my partner's MFI and low morphology, his basic health deal and she thought that getting him on some herbs would help. From the symptoms that I described to her, she said it sounds like he's got some damp heat, kidney and spleen issues. I also agree that it is time to readdress the MFI factor and make sure that we've done everything we can.

Today I feel frustrated but there's nothing I can do about that. I hope I can get my guy to do the 1/2 hour appt. and take the chinese herbs -- for some reason he seems skeptical of chinese medicine though he takes herbs for panic-anxiety and stress -- what's the difference?

I've just started my 40th cycle. Hooray for round numbers. (note sarcasm)

No Hope

I really, really don't think it will be a BFP in the morning. It's deductive reasoning. 12dpo and nothing, not even a faint mark? If that was implantation spotting last week then something sure didn't take that 5 days later there is nothing on an HPT.

It could easily have been related to my spleen qi deficiency. My spleen/stomach channel were all messed up by my illness last week. My tongue was super coated with white -- it looked awful.

I want a BFP as much (if not more) than the (average) next gal but I just am not feeling it. It's weird isn't it how you can convince yourself you are and then just as easily convince yourself that you are not.

No it doesn't get any easier.

It doesn't get any easier

I decided to use one of the 3-pack tests I bought this afternoon when I got home just now. I stared at it and stared at it and watched the dye flow past window number one, grab onto the line in window number two and then studied window number one under several different light sources and at several angles until I finally decided to lay it down and walk away. BFnothing. Nada. No how.

Maybe I'm just jacked this LP, with the bronchitis and spotting, digestive issues -- maybe my body is a bit trashed at the moment. I'll give the tests one more chance but it isn't looking good. So much for that little jump today though.

Obsessing

Obsessing again of course and right now I've been looking at the various sites to see which HPTs have the best sensitivity. I'm not going to use an FRE or Answer this time, I'm going to try Fact Plus and hopefully that will give me a better read tomorrow.

My partner has been rubbing my tummy and asking me if I'm pregnant which isn't like him at all. I haven't told him anything about my spotting or other symptoms so that's pretty weird.

If I'm not pregnant then I'm sure having a very weird LP this cycle.

Small temp jump this AM

I know that I'm prone to get them prior to AF's arrival though. Feeling a little boggy in the uterine area though and yesterday afternoon I passed out for a three hour nap. I'm not testing again until tomorrow, I'll pick up some tests today while at work. Hmmmmmm...

Not much too report

I'm now 9dpo and after doing an early HPT last night (I know, but couldn't help it) that was negative I decided to wait until Saturday. No extra signs of anything really, a little itch on the right forearm this morning. The spotting and vaginal itching subsided by yesterday evening thankfully.

I'm not feeling very much of anything. I don't feel like I am pregnant so we'll just have to wait. A temp jump would make things look more interesting on the charting end but that hasn't happened yet.

Can I obsess a little?

Here are my symptoms:

Sore bbs
Runny nose
Spotting
Pain on the left side of my uterus yesterday afternoon prior to spotting
Uterus feeling full and a little crampy
and here's a nice one, a sore, itchy vagina

These symptoms are all within the realm of possiblity for early pg.

I looked at the cycle gallery on Ovusoft and some FAQs about HPTs and implantation and you need to wait 2 days from the time of implantation spotting to test. Soonest might be tomorrow. But what if it is just due to my being sick last weekend? And what if I am pg and it fails again?

TCM Tongue Diagnosis Tool

In Traditional Chinese Medicine the practitioner is trained to read signs of your health from your tongue. It's a little odd at first but it isn't without any parallel in Western medicine -- when I contracted Salmonella poisoning in France back in 2000 the French doctor asked me to stick out my tongue and he knew right away what my illness was. My tongue then was coated with a thick grey coating, it looked so awful.

One of my online buddies found this great tongue diagnosis tool which helps you figure out what's going on with your body based on signs on your tongue.

You will want a mirror in a well lit area when you do it, plus write down notes as you go as it tells you things on each screen but it doesn't give you a summary of what it all means.

Tongue Diagnosis Tool

My diagnosis right now using this tool is blood deficiency and dampness with substantial phlegm, deficient Qi and Yin, Heat or blood Stagnation in the lower Jiao (lower belly). I've got to stay the course on my TCM diet right now and nourish myself to help get rid of some of this stuff.

Ick

I totally had to push myself for work and of course I got sick. Sick, starting with a cough a week ago. A dry cough that progressed into bronchitis and all that fun on friday. I've missed two days of work and I still feel like crap. Mostly I'm just achy and tired right now.

You should see my tongue, it's awful pale and white coated -- in TCM this means I'm a mess. My acu said last week that it was related to my sickness.

I'm 5 dpo, actually based on my ovulation pains last week I would say I'm already at 6dpo tonight. At any rate, do you think Robitussin DM affects implantation?

Is it possible to get a BFP in the middle of this misery? Actually my partner got sick as well and he never gets sick so I think it was just a really nasty virus going around the office.

Here's to feeling better quickly.

Busy, busy.

Work is ceaselessly busy right now. It makes it hard to stay relaxed, rested and the like. Still, it's a lot better than when I was younger, or when I was dealing with my fibroid. I can deal so much better now.

I'm drinking my pre-ovulatory tea twice daily, taking my prenatal vitamins and iron supplements, temping each morning, charting CF, using the fertility monitor (starting in a couple days) and then I've got my acupuncture treatments. Qigong has been off the radar for a while, other than doing breathing exercises when I remember, lately almost every day, and then some movement sequences occasionally. Classes started up again last week but work has prevented me from being able to go. Maybe in a few weeks. I did make an effort to go for a jog with my dog tonight. She loved it so much, I love to watch her run -- she's 15 years old already.

I can't believe that I ovulate again next week. When will this endless dog track end. When will the rabbit die?