Info About Panic-Anxiety

I'm sorry to read that you aren't doing well. My partner had bad panic-anxiety and it took work but with work we were able to turn things around for him and he doesn't need meds.

Eat regular meals and snacks to help keep your blood sugar level up

Reduce stress, incorporate activities for exercise that you enjoy to help relieve stress more

Consider any nutritional deficiencies you might have. My partner was a vegetarian for years and even though he would eat the occassional piece of organic chicken or fish, he saw big improvements when we added in zinc, arginine and carnetine into his diet.

Arginine is known to help support the adrenals though how much is safe to take in pregnancy is questionable.



Also note that from a Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM)perspective, pregnancy uses a lot of the kidney energy. Particularly in early pregnancy as your body is making a lot of pretty monumental shifts. I noticed this in myself as I had lots of pains in my inner ankles and feet that were on my kidney channels. The symptoms you are having are also related to the kidney channel. I also found I couldn't sleep at night -- another symptom of your kidney energy being off. I continued seeing my acupuncturist throughout the first 10 weeks of my pregnancy and I thought it was a help for my symptoms, particularly for helping get rid of the throbbing pain in my ankles.

You might consider acupuncture treatment to see if it might help your body to adjust a little easier.

I've posted about natural treatments and lifestyle changes my partner made to deal with his panic/anxiety and it worked to the point that he didn't need to take meds any more.

Re: Panic attack/anxiety/ unbearable fear

Cut back on sugar, caffeine, simple carbs
Keep blood sugar levels up
Get regular exercise
Stay hydrated
Eat more protein
Lower stress levels -- reduce responsibilities, take mental breaks, don't take things so seriously...your health is more important
Try aromatherapy with lavendar and geranium
(there are herbs one can use -- Passion Flower, Kava, Valerian but I wouldn't use them in pg)
Go get a massage
Listen to music, go out with friends, smile, read, knit, paint, meditate

I also wanted to add that one of the things that helped was going to Barnes & Noble and looking up books in their health section about panic/anxiety. Amazon.com also has loads of books with reviews from people who have been able to help themselves with the information in these self-help books. We found tips for diet, exercise, attitude, aromatherapy and all together they helped.

You also might want to learn more about how your nervous system functions, particularly things that help trigger the parasympathetic nervous system which can help reduce your symptoms. Not many people understand the dynamic between the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system functions. I read recently that shifting the focus of your eyes to use the peripheral vision can help to get your parasympathetic kicked in.

http://www.stress-anxiety-depression.org/

I also wanted to add that this past week my body was freaking out and getting more and more stressed. I don't know what I was doing to trigger it but it wasn't getting better. Finally I made an appointment for a massage in the middle of the workday (thankfully there's a spa on the next block). I only got my lower legs and feet done -- a quickie massage -- but it helped me out soooooo much. Sometimes I think we just need to give our body a hand so don't rule out getting some massages as well.

And of course you could take meds, but I'm of the opinion and have seen it work first-hand, that trying to help deal with the underlying conditions is the best way to start.

Doctors aren't trained in treating conditions in this manner so they won't even suggest it (you could be living on potato chips for all they know or care). Even today the American medical student gets less than 30 hours total information on nutrition during their education and that's dispersed throughout their curriculum.

I did think of one other thing yesterday, I was watching a documentary a few months ago on cable about panic/anxiety and it mentioned that people who experience it are much more sensitive to carbon dioxide levels in their blood. As part of the panic/anxiety reaction causes you to breath less deeply you need to try to also counter this by slowing down and taking deep breaths and filling your lungs all the way.

I hope that you are able to get results soon.

When/how to tell employEEs that I'm pregnant

I'm pushing 18 weeks now and I haven't told anyone at work that I'm pregnant. I work mostly with men and they don't seem to notice, I dress carefully and I'm not showing so much yet.

My hang up is that I don't want to be treated differently. I'm okay being a pregnant woman outside of work but within the work context it just isn't something I want to make a big deal of.

I also have to factor in that this will create some lack of certainty possibly for my employees -- perceived or otherwise. I don't want to just have it be all about me and have them feel like I'm abandoning them.

My partner (also business partner) thinks I should just casually, when appropriate, mention that I will be taking a few months off starting in February. First though we are trying to staff up my replacements so I have time to train them. We are recruiting actively but it's hard to find qualified help who are a good fit.

When and how would you tell people you are pg if you are the boss?

I got up this morning and wrote a two page letter to my SIL, I figured I should at least get my thoughts down about things. I decided to share it with my partner as anything I do or share with his family he should have some input in I believe. He thought that it was too long and detailed and that I was oversharing. He also suggested that I should meet up with my SIL in person and give it to her then so we could talk about it. I just don't feel comfortable with that. For all of what I share of my feelings online I don't feel that safe sharing them IRL due to past rejections of careless friends and acquaintances.

I tried to explain to my partner how I felt that this wouldn't necessarily go away on its own, how there are wounds that I have and that having my SIL react to me in this way was even more alienating. He thinks it was her and that she was PMS-ing or something as she even snapped at our nephew last night, something she never does. He also felt like he was being attacked as when he offered that we do talk about our pregnancy with our friends his SIL answered "I consider us more than friends, we're family".

My partner thought that maybe he should first start by calling his mother and ask her what she thinks we should do. He won't likely be phased by this exchange and we'd also be able to figure out if she was contributing to this drama behind the scenes.

I've been crying more today than I have in a long while. It's like all the infertility and loss grief are right there and I don't know if I'm supposed to do something or not. Should I share my deepest feelings? What am I supposed to be doing in my pregnancy that I'm not when I never see my SIL anyway. I'm feeling upset and frustrated.

My lovely friend Christy (newly pregnant after two losses -- send her sticky thoughts) shared these article links with me this morning:

Pregnancy After Miscarriage
The Ups and Downs of Trying Again
By Roxanne Williams Snopek

Easing the Anxiety of Pregnancy After Miscarriage

When the Fertile World Meets the Infertile World

I was thinking about this earlier this morning, about how for as well as things seem to be going with this pregnancy, that I can't forget the pain and isolation my infertility and pregnancy losses gave me.

For instance, I was shopping yesterday and looking for a coat as my regular winter coat is a slim cut with princess seams and won't do for the winter with the belly and boobs. At this shop as I was inspecting this swing coat (not maternity so it might get some wear afterwards) the sales assistant came up to me and was discussing the fit. I decided to buy it and at the register she asked me if it was my first, to which I replied "Third pregnancy, first baby." and then she said with some understanding "congratulations."

It's not a specter but it's just that being pregnant before, and not being able to get pregnant before that, were all sources of grief, discontentment, frustration and isolation. So being pregnant now isn't really a tra-la-la life is beautiful, I'm an earth mother and everything is perfect now. I'm not that trivial. It's part of my life now, some of the most painful experiences I have been through up until this point -- and I didn't find a lot of support from my social network IRL.

Sure I'm kind of fascinated by my changing body, somewhat pleased and distracted by the new sensations of movement coming from my belly, coping with the discomforts and the like. I worry that the baby is going to be okay, that I'll be able to have the c-section and not end up dead or with a hysterectomy, and hoping that my fibroid decided to shrivel up and go away. I talk a little to the baby and my partner and I talk about it and what is to come. I'm distracted by it daily, but I'm not obsessed about it. I've learned that it's not just up to me and a good portion of this it out of my hands -- I just have to hope for the best.

So tonight I was shocked when my sister-in-law at dinner basically attacked me. I was talking to her husband, my partner's brother as he asked me about when I was going to tell people at work. She asked some question that I gave a quiet answer like "okay" to and then got all huffy and went on like about how was it okay to talk about my pregnancy because it felt like it wasn't okay and it was making her really uncomfortable. She asked this in a totally aggressive way as if I was to blame for her discomfort. I replied calmly that after four years of infertility, two miscarriages and surgery for us both that I was just feeling a little subdued about it. She replied in indignation "well if that's the way it's going to be..."

She and I are not close though I've known her for almost ten years. She moved to town five years ago and didn't continue working and just set out to get pregnant, which she did eight months later without much of a hitch. When they first told us that they were pregnant I was happy for them, for her. I brought out some books that I had and shared with her stories of how pregnancy and childbirth were dealt with in Native American culture and 19th century society. I didn't want her to have a totally medicalized pregnancy, I knew about the benefits of midwifery, doulas and different labor styles from having read articles and accumulated knowledge since I was in college. I think I overwelmed her as she never once consulted with me after that about anything regarding her pregnancy. Additionally due to the excuse of her not feeling well (and granted she might not have) they blew us off on two occasions during her pregnancy when we had dinner plans -- and once when I went out of my way to make lasagna. They never rescheduled, they never reciprocated or reinitiated. I figured she wanted space and I gave it to her. What else was to be done. We were just starting to try to conceive during that time, work was stressful and life was busy.

Her second pregnancy was announced two weeks after we found out we were pregnant for the first time. It was agonizing for me as I had the retained tissue through what would have been six months pregnant and there she was easily having her second. She wasn't there for me during that time at all and honestly I couldn't even stand to look at her. When I had my fibroid out and the repeat d&c that November and they came to visit me in the hospital I mentioned that I was finally not pregnant any longer and she just looked at me like I hadn't said anything. My friend was in the room then and commented to me afterwards that she found my sister-in-law to be a bit odd at that moment.

I think that my sister-in-law has been living in babyland and mommyhood for too many years and that has colored her vision. As anyone who has been through miscarriage will tell you, it's not all bliss after you have had the worst thing happen to you, you rather feel like you are walking with your guard up. I also think that my sister-in-law and mother-in-law have been talking, they are feeling some information deficit about our pregnancy and assume that I think that everything is going to fail at any moment -- my mother-in-law has basically said as much to my partner. I don't talk to either woman except at family gatherings, we're not close and I don't see why my being pregnant would change that.

My partner, his brother and I spent a good portion of dinner after that talking about work and trying to hire more staff so I can take a leave of absence. My sister-in-law was either annoyed that we had such things to talk about or embarrassed by her outburst (I know her husband was) or both.

So anyway, I feel a bit wounded for having been attacked so and now I have to pretend like it wasn't anything because I don't have the type of relationship with her where I can tell her how wrong she is. Besides, I have a somewhat strained relationship with my partner's family as I always feel like I am being judged and not understood. The fun part is that its my nephew's birthday next week and then my mother-in-law is coming in two weeks so I totally have to see them even though I don't want to right now.

I feel like I should go find some articles for them about how very normal I am coming from where I have. Do you have anything that you think might be helpful? Is it even worth it?

What do you think about these links?

Things We Wish You Knew - RESOLVE

Ways to Support a Parent Whose Baby Has Died - SHARE (PDF)

Tough Week

I was having issues with stress this week. I'm not sure why, it wasn't like things had gotten particularly more stressful but more like my body just couldn't deal. I was completely unable to think after 3:30 pm on a couple of days at work and had to go home. I also woke up several times at during the week and couldn't go back to sleep. I even resorted to having a little red wine (the mildest sedative I could think of) at 5am one more as I was completely jacked on stress hormones.

Finally yesterday I couldn't deal anymore. I felt like crying and breaking down I was so done over -- even in the morning as I went to work. I was also soooooo impatient and minutes seemed like hours to me. Obviously not functioning at a normal level.

I decided that I had to do something but what? Acupuncture? Didn't seem to be what my body was asking for. A massage? But that's kind of a big ordeal and it was Friday morning at 11am and I had a client call in the afternoon. There is a spa on the next block over from our office and I went to their website and looked to see what they had on offer and they had a leg and foot massage that was only 30 minutes long. Perfect. I called and they did have an opening for 1pm which gave me time to get lunch, get my massage and calm down.

They did a little aromatherapy, gave me pregnancy tea to drink. There was another pregnant woman there in the lounge and we chatted briefly about clothing shopping mostly and our changing bodies. The massage was really helpful and relaxing. The woman used an exfoliating scrub and massaged it in well, then washed that off. Next came shea butter and my legs were wrapped in hot towels and then in dry towels and I was left to sit for a little while with my feet up on a foot stool. After 10 minutes she came back and unwrapped my legs and then rubbed them with massage oil. After that I could just sit for a few minutes and she gave me a heated pad for my neck and shoulders. I wished I could have stayed longer and they would have let me too but I had to get back to work. I was ready for a nap at that point.

I was much better off when I returned to work and wasn't quite so frazzled feeling. For $40 plus tip it was a huge help. I'm definately going to have to put frequent massage treatments on my agenda for the next months though.

Camping While Pregnant

I went twice this summer, first when I was 7w and just this past weekend at 16w. We did car camping, no hiking in 3 miles to a site with a backpack on. This time my partner carried just about all our gear down from the car but I helped to set up the tent and bedding and our camping chairs.

I think the biggest complaint I had was having to pee soooooo much. In July there were a lot of mosquitos and we were doing rustic camping so that wasn't fun. I stayed away from the DEET bug spray and found some that was safe for babies but it required a lot of reapplication. Thankfully there weren't many mosquitos this past weekend.

When I was 7w I was sooooo tired and wanted to nap but it was so hot in the tent. That made me feel worse. I still had to take naps this time, but thankfully it was a bit cooler, though still a bit on the hot side in the tent.

I have an air mattress (Thermarest) and this past weekend at 16w I found that it was uncomfortable sleeping on my side, though it's right around now that you aren't supposed to be sleeping on your back due to pressure on the vena cava and aorta. I woke up that way both mornings without any issues. I think if I was further along it might have been more of an issue -- or maybe I would just bring along more cushioning for the hip area.

The other thing I noticed was that bending over and moving things down low was causing me to have an achy belly.

Still, I had a great weekend and I'm glad I went. It was the last time before the baby comes, and I'm not sure about next summer though our friends were trying already to convince us to bring the baby next year. We shall see.

What's up

Camping was a lot of fun, still lot of peeing but the mosquitoes weren't bad and we had more girls there this time for a total of 8 campers and 2 dogs. Very relaxing and I'm glad I went.

The other girl I'm taking my French lessons with just found out she's pg as well. She's 7 weeks now and leaves on Jeudi (Thursday) for Paris for 10 days with her DH. She must be due in April/May I think. Now she says she knows how I felt when I was saying I had to eat now or I was going to die.

I've been feeling the baby for the past couple of weeks. First just a few stray gentle bumps (barely anything) but this week I am definately feeling it a lot, several times a day. It's kind of interesting. My fibroid is causing me to have an ache in the right side of my uterus, but not yet enough to want to take anything for it. I think I'm going to check with my OB and make sure that we are checking that out in a couple weeks at my u/s. Do you think 18.5 weeks is too early for the big one?

The Belly

Here's my first belly shot from 15w1d. I don't think the angle quite does me justice but it was the clearest out of the lot I took. I know I look positively average build but it's very odd for me to be growing this much and out of my clothing. My arm is covering up part of my butt where I think you might notice a bit more heft to my figure. Normally my stomach is a few inches in, not having it's furthest part in line with my boobs.

Growing

I've got to go do some more shopping right now (RIGHT NOW), the wardrobe pickings are becoming slimmer and slimmer. It might just be me though, as my goal is to de-emphasize the belly. I had to try on 3-4 outfits this morning and was almost stuck. I'm not ready to be outed yet. I don't think I want to be treated like a pregnant woman.

Its kinda weird having my uterus grow now but not have it be like the first time where it grew really fast due to the fibroid being in there as well. My belly is about as round as it was post myo now, and a bit bigger than when the fibroid was in there -- but since the pg is softer and and more fluid than that 9x11cm fibroid it isn't as uncomfortable. Still though, things are definately starting to pick up in the belly growth area. I don't really know how large Twyla (the new fibroid) is, I'm rather assuming she's grown some but modestly.

Feeling a little more real

Hearing the heartbeat the other day really helped make it feel more normal now, like if this subtle check of the heartbeat can happen so easily then the kid must be doing pretty well in there.

My partner and I were talking, it is pretty amazing when you consider that this pregnancy is happening after:

Vasectomy in 1994
Vas Reversal in 1998
Fibroid dx 2002
Miscarriage 2004
Fibroid surgery (myomectomy) 2004
Miscarriage 2005

And all without doing the whole Clomid/Follistim/IUI/IVF/ICSI plan that four REs laid out for us. When I see my online friends and acquantainces and all the things they have tried it does seem a bit odd that we just used acupuncture, herbs, supplements, lifestyle changes -- plus our surgeries -- to get this party going.

Yes it took a long time. Yes it was emotionally grueling. but somehow taking more aggressive action seemed like trying to force it and we didn't want that. When you factor in those basic statistics (which may or may not be accurate) that post vas reversal your chances of success are 50% and after a myomectomy they are also about 50% then which percentage was left for this kid to happen?

I always felt that somewhere in the statistics there was a place for me, and I tended to think that perhaps I was in the minority but that didn't mean that things couldn't happen for us. I know that we approached the entire situation differently than many others did, but we knew from the start of our relationship that our chances might be compromised due to the vasectomy. I think that same fact made my miscarriages harder to deal with -- how can you have success and no success at the same time. How can you feel like you have proved your fertilty and still walked away without a baby?

My parents returned home Thursday night. I was nice having them here and getting to talk and share the pregnancy with them. I'm not really able to do that with too many people, other than online yet. I'll save that for another post.

The sounds

pwish pwish pwish pwish pwish pwish pwish pwish pwish pwish pwish pwish bonk PWISH PWISH PWISH pwish pwish pwish PWISH PWISH PWISH bonk pwish pwish

Kinda like that when the doctor put the doppler to my belly at my OB appointment this afternoon. The heartbeat sounded fairly swishy and sometimes it would get louder and sometimes quieter, as the baby would move around. The bonks were when the baby was crashing into me I guess. My partner was fascinated, he concentrated so much on that sound. He's a musician outside of work, and so that was right up his alley. He said he would like to sample the sound, though of course he didn't bring a recorder.

When I showed up they showed me "the routine". I have to go check in, then pee in a cup and put a little test strip in to check for glucose and protein (mine were just about perfectly negative -- just a hair off in shade for protein). I then get weighed and I was pleased to see that I've only gained 2 pounds since my last appointment, so I'm up around 10 pounds total, but I'm not absolutely sure what my weight was pre-pregnancy as I don't have a scale.

The doppler is interesting, just a little battery operated dohickie. I just had to lay back and give my doc access to my lower belly. He saw my bikini scar from my myo for the first time. I didn't need to strip from the waist down or anything. The heartbeat came up right away. My doctor was suitably pleased; it's nice how keen he is on having this go well for us.

I got my ferritin checked as well, and should have those results in a few days I hope. My doc asked me if there was anything else I wanted to get checked while we were at it, but that was all that really needed checking.

My doc said he would show me where my uterus was and I assured him that I knew exactly where it was. I guess I got familiar with it, having that large fibroid in there. In case you are interested, this site, about halfway down the page, has a couple tables showing fibroid sizes in comparison to fruit and pregnant versus non-pregnant uterus sizes:
http://www.fibroiduae.com/fibro5.html

My next appointment is in a month and they will check fetal measurements during a more detailed ultrasound. After that I'll have a regular check up.

More about my shopping trip

I went shopping with my mother at a maternity shop on Saturday. I can't deal with shopping normally and maternity shopping I don't find all that fun. I work with a lot of guys and then there's our complicated history -- so its not like I'm dying to share the news. So while I'm there, looking for things that will help me out over the next couple of months at least, I ran into someone I know who had previously, quite adamantly told me she never wanted kids. She was 20 weeks along. She tried for a year and then got assistance she said -- probably clomid or something. I mentioned that I hadn't told anyone (outside of the people I told early on) and then elaborated that after 4 years of trying and two miscarriages (not to mention, which I didn't, the fibroid surgery and vasectomy reversal) it wasn't something that felt like an easy thing for me. I said it loud enough and I swear everyone in that boutique got quiet for a second and the clerk looked at me. Yes, I said the bad word in a maternity shop. Miscarriage. Miscarriage. Miscarriage. Miscarriage. Miscarriage. Miscarriage. Miscarriage. Miscarriage.

It still feels all unreal and tenuous for me. I know I have no control over it, I just have to go along for the ride. It's weird to think that there's something inside of me -- but then I have my next OB appt tomorrow and I worry that something won't be right. And then when I think about February and having to take care of the creature that comes from within me -- all the time(!) I think that maybe I had no business getting pg in the first place. Sigh.

Still Not Out

I still haven't told anyone at work about my pregnancy but I'm now 14 weeks. It's going to be hard to keep it from people much longer but I really don't feel like telling.

My mother is in town visiting me and she asked me when I was going to tell my staff and I said perhaps not at all. Can't they just figure it out on their own?

I feel like my emotional history with fertility is so loaded that people trivially saying "congratulations" to me is just so not even on the mark.

My mother and I went shopping today and got me a few more things to wear. I now have a new long sleeve tee, stretch corderoy with a demi band skirt, brown maternity dress and maternity black jacket that is suitable for work. The jacket has zipped up darts in the front that can be opened to provide more belly coverage later on. So add those to one pair of demi panel jeans from the gap and my bigger undies and it's a start of a new wardrobe that will keep me from going naked.

It's weird how I keep moving through my closet and eliminating things as they just don't fit any more. My favorite corderoy jean jacket that's all cropped and fitted can't be buttoned any longer -- mostly due to the new larger rack I'm carrying for instance. Another Ann Taylor top that I really like is now poised for the storage closet as the "girls" were busting out the other day. Either that or else I need to become less of a prude. At least my socks still fit.

Phlegm Again

I don't know that I've really mentioned it but for the past few weeks I've been having more and more problems with post-nasal drip. It's gotten so bad that I have been gagging in the mornings. It was getting progressively worse. While I might have had a touch of some slight illness last week that didn't help, this was something else. I knew that I needed to see my acu about it so I got in this morning for a treatment.

Evidently my spleen qi was depleted and that was letting the phlegm overwhelm. She did a lot of points on my legs to help dry things up, and amazingly within 20 minutes my sinuses weren't congested any longer. Phew. I hope it holds a while.

She asked me how I was doing with the blood building foods, evidently I'm still showing signs of blood deficiency (not unexpected though). I also asked her about foods that I should be eating or not, as with the pregnancy it is a little harder to be as rigid about some of the diet, especially when my body is so demanding of food and sometimes quite specific about what it wants. She said some dairy was okay, but definately not ice cream (oops). More corn, celery, melon, rye, turnip, scallions, kidney beans...

My acu today asked me if we thought we were going to have a boy or a girl and I replied that we definately were planning on having either a boy or a girl. My other acu had guessed based on my pulses that we were having a girl but today the acu who usually sees me checked and she said she was going to say boy. She said my kidney pulse was strong for female but everything else was boy.

My french teacher also thinks boy. My early sense of it, in the first couple of weeks after the BFP was boy. I guess we'll see eventually.

My next OB appointment is on Tuesday afternoon. My partner will be there as well. I love that he is so committed to participating in this with me. He says "it's mine too."

I find this point of pregnancy is a little quieter, less nausea, body more adjusted to symptoms on the whole. Yeah, I don't fit into a lot of my clothes but if I sit still I can still pretend that it's just regular-old me that isn't pregnant right now. I kinda like that. But man, when I look in the mirror I'm just amazed at my expanding figure. The boobs! The belly! The butt!! I don't think I've ever been quite this big in my lifetime.

Today is Saturday August 12th 2006.
You conceived on Saturday May 27th 2006
and your due date is Saturday February 17th 2007.

77 days have passed since the conception,
and you are 189 days before your due date.

You are 13 weeks into your pregnancy,
and you have 27 weeks to go.

You are in the 2nd trimester.

29% of your pregnancy has passed, there is 71% left to go.


From my pregnancy calendar on the AmazingPregnancy.com site.

My first maternity purchase

After my only pair of pants that fits quit on me yesterday I decided it was time to buy something. I stopped by The Gap in downtown Seattle on the way home from work, hoping no one would see me, and ducked into the maternity area. I was looking for some dark jeans and they had a couple options, not brilliant but enough. There was one pair that matched and fit like I wanted to, a demi panel bootleg pair with room for my belly and butt to grow if they want.

I also grabbed a few other things to try on, a skirt, a sweater, but those items made me look more pregnant -- something I'm still trying to downplay. They had this odd looking thing on the wall and it took me a while to figure out that it was to help envision how big your belly would be (beige, polyester with velcro, strap-on belly falsie that it was). I tried it out for a second with one top and promptly removed it as it freaked me out to look at that body shape. I don't want to think about getting that big!

I didn't feel as awkward as I might have thought, probably because necessity was really driving my shopping trip. I decided to hold off on buying anything else until my parents come to visit next week. That would be a good thing to do with my mom.

My sister dropped by last night and told me not to shop at Pea in the Pod -- she said the store name freaks her out. Ha! I'm thinking that checking out maternity consignment might be worthwhile, there's a place nearby.

Just came across this blog post from Chic Mommy which reveals the true extent of what motherhood can mean.

Shopping for Undies

So I had a client meeting in another city nearby this morning and when I got back downtown I realized that the underwear I had on was just not going to cut it -- or rather was totally cutting into my behind and I hate VPLs.

So I stopped by Macy's and bought new knickers and three new bras -- that fit me. Well actually the knickers are a size 8 which is a bit loose, but I started out a size 6 and that's basically a no go at this point. I had some 7s that fit well from when I had my abdominal surgery, and a few 8s that are loose as well. But really, I needed more so that I wasn't having to do laundry every 5 minutes.

Bizarrely I've already gone up a full band size. I was between a 32/34 and between a B/C but now I'm between a 34/36 (favoring 36) and about a C. I'm so excited about better fitting bras.

I'm rather pleased with myself, even if the increase in garment sizes is a little daunting.

My fever went away and gradually throughout the day Monday I felt better.

My uterus seems to be a bit higher now, about 1-1/2 inches above my pubic bone. I'm sure I'm measuring ahead height wise but I've got that fibroid in there too. I'm hoping Twyla will take a break now that we are approaching the next tri. There's a chance that her growth will slow down.

I went out for sushi last night and I was dying as I wanted to eat the usual. I did indulge in one piece of raw fish only, and a couple of sips of Sapporo (beer) and was quite contented. Otherwise everything I ate was either vegetarian (umejiso) or cooked (ebi). We went out for dessert afterwards, there were three of us, and each ordered one so we could all have a taste. I came home and ate an orange as I was still hungry.

that's funny, me at peace.

Someone online said I that seemed at peace. Rather I'm just trying to hold it together with all my work responsibilities, being short staffed and so tired all the time. I don't have enough energy to worry all that much to be honest -- but that seems a far cry from being at peace with things.

I've had a fever today and I was sooooooo tired this weekend. I'm not sure what it is but my body was really not happy about it. I'm so tired that I wonder if it is normal or not - I'm thinking not quite as if I was like this in the wild I surely would have died or been eaten by now. I keep asking myself how I could go through this again if we wanted more than one (hoping that this one makes it).

It's weird for me b/c ppl IRL that know want me to be happy and I'm just okay. (reminds me of The Smiths lyrics "and I'm not happy and I'm not sad. The dream has gone and the baby is real..."). My partner's mother asked him if I was less fearful. Um, hmmmm. It's like you can't even say anything b/c she so obviously doesn't understand what it is like to try so hard for so long and end up with death instead of life coming through you. Yes, things are happening now but nothing is a sure thing and those of us who have witnessed loss firsthand know that only too well now. My SIL was trying to be nice and ask about things last week and I don't really have anything to say other than how far along I am now. I know my parents are cautiously optimistic, hopeful but still cautious -- and they want a grandbaby so badly, at least I think they do.